NFL fans are accustomed to seeing Tom Brady involved in a big Sunday night event. But after retiring two years ago, the seven-time Super Bowl champion is no longer playing in prime time.
Previously, Brady was targeted by opposing defenders on a Sunday night. But for Netflix’s live event, “The Roast of Tom Brady, AKA The Greatest Roast of All Time,” the quarterback was under attack from a variety of former teammates and comedians including Rob Gronkowski, host Kevin Hart, Julian Edelman, Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura, Randy Moss and Jeff Ross.
The program started with a gag likely more familiar to football fans than pop culture followers. Bill Belichick appeared on camera, telling someone, “The fans want you. Everyone wants you. But it’s not your night. Sorry, Drew.”
We then see he’s talking to Drew Bledsoe, former New England Patriots quarterback and Brady’s predecessor at the position before getting injured. And the man of the night walks into frame.
“Brady,” said Belichick. “You’re in. Let’s go.”
“Are you f***ing kidding me?” Bledsoe groaned. “Again?”
That basically set the tone for the night. Easy jokes and plenty of f-bombs.
As could be expected at a celebrity roast, Brady’s divorce from Gisele Bündchen was a frequent subject. Also as could be expected, many of them are unsuitable for documenting here.
One of the best was during Hart’s opening. Mocking Brady for apparently choosing his football career over his marriage, Hart said, “When you got a chance to go 8-9 and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do it.”
Joke about the NFL Draft, but not Robert Kraft
There can’t be a celebrity roast without Jeff Ross. The “Roastmaster General” has been insulting celebrities on television for 20 years. Coming out to the stage in a jersey that said “Roast J Simpson” on the back, Ross eventually poked fun at a key part of Tom Brady’s legend.
“Tom was eventually 199th in the NFL Draft,” Ross said. “He sat there for days, waiting and waiting, and then you were finally picked in the 6th round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident.”
However, Ross may have crossed a line with Brady when he referenced Patriots owner Robert Kraft and the massage parlor scandal he was involved with in 2019.
“Don’t do that s*** again,” Brady said in Ross’ ear after that joke.
Drew Bledsoe gets revenge, part one
Bledsoe earning a place in football history by losing his starting quarterback job was the subject of many quips. But after joking that he hated Brady for taking his position, Bledsoe took a shot at Belichick, a now unemployed NFL coach.
“Who’s more hateable than the most successful quarterback of all time? I mean, except maybe Belichick,” Bledsoe said. “There were rumors that coach Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. Look, at least when I got fired, someone else wanted me.”
Drew Bledsoe gets revenge, part two
Brady’s divorce and low NFL Draft status were two constant objects of ridicule. Bledsoe took down both of them with one throw.
“Look, buddy, you have more rings than I do,” Bledsoe said. “But I’ve experienced a couple of things that you will never experience: The feeling of being the No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL and a 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday.”
Gronk is still taking hits
Rob Gronkowski was the second-most popular target for jokes after Brady on Sunday night. Most of the wisecracks focused on Gronk’s intelligence. The best of them came from comedian Nikki Glaser, who probably had the best material of the show.
“Tom lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that?” Glaser said. “Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money.'”
Gronk got his turn on the stage and took his share of shots at Brady, Hart, Belichick and Edelman. He ended his set by sharing a shot with Brady and Belichick followed by, of course, a spike of the shot glass.
That preceded another surprise moment featuring a round of shots. Patriots owner Robert Kraft took the stage alongside Belichick and praised him as “the greatest coach in the history of the game” then shared a shot with his former head coach.
When it was nearly done after three-plus hours, Brady was introduced by a surprise guest — his biggest NFL rival, Peyton Manning.
“It is great to see the greatest coach in NFL history, Bill Belichick, here,” Manning said. “For those that don’t know, coach is going to be doing some work on Eli and my ‘Monday Night Football’ show this year.
“I gotta tell you, it’s gonna be awesome. Eli and I are super excited, and it’s gonna give coach Belichick something he hasn’t had in a while: The chance to be around quarterbacks he respects.”
Brady gets the last word
Then Brady finally had his turn. And he set his sights immediately on Manning.
“I know sometimes you live in Denver,” Brady said. “And sometimes you live in Louisiana. But you’ll always live in my shadow.”
He wasn’t done.
“When I heard there was a slow, white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend,” Brady continued.
He moved on to most everyone on stage, including Gronkowski and Moss. He saved one of the edgiest jokes of the night for Bledsoe.
“Like the rest of America, I will always remember where I was that fateful day in September 2001 when, tragically, those two Jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe,” Brady said.
He had a message for New York Giants fans and Eli Manning, whom he lost to in the Super Bowl twice.
“F*** Eli and f*** you too. Twice.”
He also gave a sly nod to Roger Goodell and deflategate.
“The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was more ‘probable’ than not, that I was ‘generally’ aware that someone may have deflated my footballs. You could’ve just given me the 20 million and I would’ve just told you I f***ing did it.”
And he closed with jokes at Belichick’s expense.
“You are a true coaching genius,” Brady said. “You had to choose between an aging, injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe and a young, healthy, minimum-wage superstar. I could have got a f***ing coach from Foxboro f***ing high school to make that decision. …
“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious. How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left? Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sideline. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver ‘Hey, who gassed up your car?’”
He then left the stage flipping double birds to the crowd while telling his critics to lose his number.
Brady compiled a 251–82 regular-season record and 35–13 postseason mark during his 23-year NFL career. Whether he took another win or loss being roasted depends on how funny viewers thought those jokes were. Whether those viewers won or lost by watching “The Greatest Roast of All Time” is another question worth asking.
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