Ferdia Shaw

The Pitch: After years in development hell, Disney is unveiling its attempt at a new franchise with the adaptation of Eoin Colfer’s first Artemis Fowl novel. With a cast that includes Colin Farrell, Josh Gad, and Dame Judi Dench, and esteemed director Kenneth Branagh behind the camera, what could go wrong? What Went Wrong: Well, just about everything. The one mercy of Artemis Fowl is that it’s short, clocking in at just 94 minutes including its end credits. Unfortunately, that gives Branagh and credited screenwriters Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl plenty of time to create confusing character motivations, half-assed attempts at emotional gravitas, and stabs at humor that are best left unsaid or unseen. For those of us who haven’t read the Colfer books, Artemis Fowl fails to tell its most...