The Pitch: After years in development hell, Disney is unveiling its attempt at a new franchise with the adaptation of Eoin Colfer’s first Artemis Fowl novel. With a cast that includes Colin Farrell, Josh Gad, and Dame Judi Dench, and esteemed director Kenneth Branagh behind the camera, what could go wrong? What Went Wrong: Well, just about everything. The one mercy of Artemis Fowl is that it’s short, clocking in at just 94 minutes including its end credits. Unfortunately, that gives Branagh and credited screenwriters Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl plenty of time to create confusing character motivations, half-assed attempts at emotional gravitas, and stabs at humor that are best left unsaid or unseen. For those of us who haven’t read the Colfer books, Artemis Fowl fails to tell its most...
All Aboard: Nearly seven years after scientists accidentally froze the Earth to its core and the last of humanity boarded Mr. Wilford’s 1,001-car ark of a train, the unticketed stowaway class in the vessel’s tail plan insurrection against the higher classes. Their meager rebellion, doomed from the start, mercifully gets cut short when one of its leaders, Andre Layton (Daveed Diggs), a homicide detective in his previous life, gets summoned by Head of Hospitality Melanie Cavill (Jennifer Connelly) to solve a murder towards the front of the train. Not only does working this freezing “cold case” allow Layton the opportunity to gather intelligence and form alliances up-train necessary to the rebellion, but he also stumbles upon a complicated web of secrets and lies woven to keep Wilford’s etern...