Hi Jake,
My husband and I really enjoy our DINK (duel-income-no-kids) lifestyle. Not having the expense of children allows us to spend our money on ourselves and the things we love. We know we are fortunate and we don’t take it for granted. We are also careful not to flaunt our wealth.
My sister is a single mom with three kids (ages 11, 14, and 16). She’s constantly making remarks about how “rich” we are and how “poor” she is, even though she has a good job and gets help from her ex-husband.
Last summer, I offered to cover the cost of sending her two youngest kids to sleepaway camp. She was appreciative and the kids had a great time, but I feel like it opened Pandora’s box. Because now it seems like she’s asking for money every other month.
At the start of the school year, she asked me if I could buy her 14-year-old’s football gear, which I did. Then she asked if I could cover the cost of her 11-year-old’s ballet classes, which I also did. Now, she’s asking if I could pitch in to buy her 16-year-old a car for Christmas. She’s asking me to cover 50% of the down payment. My husband joked that next she’s going to ask for help covering their college tuition.
I love my niece and nephews and I want to be a supportive brother and guncle, but I feel like my husband and I are being pressured into making financial contributions we never signed up for simply because of our DINK status. The truth is, I can afford to pay for the things she’s been asking for, but it’s making me feel like a piggy bank. Am I being greedy? What should I do?
DINKing Ship
Dear DINKing Ship,
One of the best things about being gay is the lack of social pressure to have kids unless you really want them (although, some might argue that’s beginning to change). And let’s face it, raising a kid, let alone three, isn’t cheap!
According to a 2023 study, the average cost to raise a child in the U.S. is $20,813 annually. If you live in California or Massachusetts, that bumps up over $32,000. Pop out two or three of those kiddos, and you’re talking 50-70K a year, and that doesn’t even cover the basic household expenses like rent or mortgage.
It’s no coincidence that you and your husband are enjoying the DINK life, while your sister feels more financial pressure. Assuming you guys have a decent salary, having two incomes without having to support a family allows for a lot more freedom. Want to book that cruise to Greece? No problem. Want front row tickets to Madonna? Check. Feeling like you really want that new outfit for Friendsgiving? Throw it on the credit card.
A flush checking account also gives you the freedom to help others when you’re feeling generous, whether it be donating to a charity, or buying some cool gifts for your family members. That said, having the luxury of a comfortable lifestyle does not require you to step in any time you’re asked.
Feeling pressure to do something you aren’t comfortable with is an immediate indication that your personal boundaries are being crossed. I encourage you to trust that feeling, rather than questioning your own character.
It seems to me you’ve been more than generous with your nieces and nephews, and your sister may now be taking advantage of the situation. At the end of the day, the reason you’ve got some coin in the bank comes down to your choices. Your sister made different ones, yet seems to be creating a narrative about “the rich” and “the poor” as if these labels were bestowed upon you both without agency. One choice isn’t better than the other, it’s just a different kind of life, and she needs to take accountability for that.
If you keep giving in to every request your sister makes, it sets a precedent that it’s okay for her to keep asking. In fact, by continuing to fulfill her requests, it might even be enabling her, because she will learn to simply rely on handouts.
Saying “no” the next time she asks for some cash may ruffle some feathers, but you’re sending a clear message that your generosity shouldn’t be assumed or expected. Keep in mind, it doesn’t say anything about the love you have for her kids, but instead reflects your own self-worth.
Let your sister know that you’ll be the one deciding when you want to be generous, and she can do what she wants with your gifts at the time. In the meantime, enjoy the fruits of your labor, and keep living your best DINK life!
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
