Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My fiancé and I are at odds about what to do with his ex. His 7-year-old son spends 90 percent of his time with us or his maternal grandparents, but his ex still pockets the child support to fuel her party lifestyle. We cover the clothes, school supplies, medical expenses, food, and extracurricular costs, and split the cost of groceries with the grandparents when his son is over there. We barely make ends meet at the end of the month, while his ex goes on shopping sprees all the time (she is a social media addict). I am tired of pinching pennies and worrying if the car is going to last until we can earn some overtime. I want to go back to court and get the custody order to reflect reality here. My fiancé keeps balking because he doesn’t want to upset the grandparents and believes the court will always favor the mother. I pointed out that is not statically true and nothing would change except we wouldn’t be legally obligated to fund his ex’s lifestyle. We could actually start saving again. We have been together three years and I love him and his son, but I can’t keep living like this. I try to imagine trying to save for a second child and it isn’t doable. I don’t want to say we have to go to court or I am leaving, but it feels like my only option. Help!
—Life Support
Dear Life Support,
You can continue to talk to your fiancé about taking his ex to court, but ultimately, he has to make that decision for himself. I think what’s most important for you to emphasize is that you do not wish to continue living like this and that it may impact your willingness to stay in the relationship much longer. Explain to him that you’d like to have a second child in the future, but that there’s no way you could do that with the way things are now. Talk about how you’ve sacrificed and how you feel when you see his ex shopping on social media when you’re struggling to make ends meet. Again, lean into the fact that you don’t feel like this is sustainable and that you don’t know how much longer you can take it. Hopefully, the thought of losing you will be enough for him to realize that he needs to take action to make your lives more comfortable. If he’s unwilling to do that, well, you have a big decision to make.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Just before the pandemic, my husband and our twin boys (then in middle school) moved to a new town for my job. My husband is a decade older than me and well-off in income and wealth. He had, since our kids were born, been reducing his work intensity and had finally reached the point that he didn’t need to be in-office anymore. My job pays very little relative to his; we wouldn’t miss the income if I didn’t have it, but I mostly enjoy the work and want to use my advanced degree. My husband was sort of “meh” on the new town, but my kids really disliked it from the start. They made a big push to go to boarding school. I went to boarding school, so I didn’t see a reason to say no. My husband was quite broken up about it. He’s been more of the primary parent given his shrinking work role.
The boarding school is in a cute town and my husband went ahead and bought a “vacation” house there, so he could go up and visit the kids for a few days each month. Over the course of the year, the “few days” became “half the days,” and the kids started spending more days at “home” with my husband than in the dorms. They have been thriving academically and socially, but don’t love dorm life. This might have something to do with the availability of a posh vacation home and their beloved dad being a few minutes’ drive from campus.
This summer they came to us and asked if they could convert to day students and have their dad live up there during term-time. My husband thinks we should do it. He loves it up there and he says he only has so many years of childhood left to spend with the kids. He adds that his presence in our current state costs him more in extra taxes than I earn (it’s true). It would be cheaper to fly me up every weekend. But I don’t want to do that much travel! And I can’t shake the feeling that my kids planned this—they know how devoted their dad is to them and they figured out a way to get what they wanted: to leave this town and get to live with their dad in comfort. I hate that I’m now regarding my own kids with suspicion! I hate that I might be living alone for long stretches! Do I have the right to veto this? Am I even right to object, or am I being selfish?
—Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
Your family moved to accommodate your job, but they don’t like the area. The kids thought that boarding school would be a better option, but came to realize that they prefer staying with their father in a fancy home to sleeping on campus. I don’t think there’s a diabolical plan afoot; it just seems that the most pleasing option for the rest of your family is the least pleasing one for you. Unfortunately, in this situation, someone is going to be unhappy: either you, your children, and/or your husband. Unless you propose living in another city that you will all enjoy, it seems that you are the best candidate for being inconvenienced here. Your husband is correct in pointing out that the kids don’t have many years of childhood left, and that there’s a limited amount of time in which he can care for them in this way. It costs him significantly in taxes to be located in your current city. However, I can totally understand your qualms about spending so much time alone.
I think you can propose a compromise. Since your husband is flush with cash, he can afford to fly back to you on a regular basis. Suggest that he spends every other week near campus with the boys, and the alternating weeks with you. That way, both you and your children are getting quality time with him. Then, travel to see the boys and your husband every other weekend. This will be a substantial amount of plane time, I realize, but you won’t be on the hook to do it each week. Let your husband know that you don’t feel comfortable with the scenario he’s proposed, in which you would spend most of your time alone. Remind him that you all agreed that the children would go to boarding school and that they volunteered to go themselves. Hopefully, you all can find a middle ground that works for all parties.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need advice on how to deal with feeling like I’m the forgotten child, or at least like my mom only cares about how I can help her. I am a 40-year-old single parent. My mother has been disabled for about two years, and only recently was able to start driving again. For the last two years, I have rearranged my schedule, given up sleep, and otherwise bent over backward to help her with doctor’s appointments, physical therapy appointments, etc. I was also the one that helped her get her bank account back in order after she got scammed.
Now I’m the one that needs a little help. I have an outpatient surgical procedure, one that’s fairly routine, but I will be undergoing anesthesia. While this isn’t a medical emergency, it is one that needs to be done sooner rather than later. Because of the anesthesia, I need to be released into the care of an adult. My surgeon scheduled it for the middle of next month. My mother will be at her lake house, about four hours away. She has full use of it, and drives back and forth pretty much whenever she feels like it. Some years she has been up there almost as much as she has been home. The only cost of going is gas.
I asked my mother to please come home to take me to this appointment. She told me flat-out no way. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. She has also held the fact that she watched my child (when they were younger) over my head to guilt me into doing other things for her even prior to her disability (even taking her places while she could drive). Yet when I need help, I always feel like it only works if it’s convenient for her. My stepdad stays out of these things, and he will be with my mom at the lake house (unless she comes home). My sister lives out of state and can’t fly in. One of my stepbrothers is also going to be out of town (and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him staying), and the other one just started a new job in an office, so he’s unable to come midweek. I have no friends that I’d feel comfortable with, as my close friends either work or don’t live near me.
What are my options in talking with my mother about this? How can I stop feeling like I’m only important when I can help her out? My sister moved out of state in part because of how our mom treats her, and my stepbrothers aren’t super close with my mom either. But any time she needs anything, I’m always the first call.
—Forgotten until Needed
Dear Forgotten,
You can (and should) have a serious heart-to-heart with your mom about how you feel. Point out to her that you are always available when she needs you (give examples) and that you aren’t generally able to count on her for support. Let her know that you have exhausted all your other options and that you simply don’t have anyone else to call on to help you home after your procedure. Hopefully, she’ll see where you’re coming from and adjust her plans to accommodate you. However, you may just have to accept the fact that your mother isn’t someone you can rely upon, and you may consider adjusting how much you help her out as a result. You say that your sister left the area because of your mom’s behavior, so this dynamic isn’t exclusive to you. This may just be who she is: selfish and entitled. You have to decide if you want to continue to show up for someone who refuses to do the bare minimum for you and who throws her past aid in your face. Perhaps when your mother can no longer rely upon you to go above and beyond for her, she’ll realize the err of her ways.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and are discussing marriage, but we have a problem. We both have seriously discussed how we want kids, and I would be excited to parent with him. We love children and enjoy babysitting my cousins and spending time with his teenage nieces and nephews together. But we disagree hugely about a key detail. I was diagnosed with autism in the middle of my 20s. This was probably because I am a woman and have low support needs. I was always able to charm or organize my way into what I realize now are unofficial accommodations in school or at work. On paper, I’m very successful: prestigious job in my field, serious happy relationship, wide circle of friends and acquaintances, varied hobbies and interests, and almost paid-off student loans. I also have a bunch of the comorbidities that are common with this diagnosis—severe depression (for me this included suicide attempts starting early in childhood), IBS, a lifelong history of disordered eating, ADHD, and raging anxiety. I’m in lifelong therapy, and I take antidepressants and meditate and do yoga and keep a careful gym routine. But those steps are all about managing symptoms more than anything. I don’t want to pass these experiences on to a child, so I don’t want a kid who shares my biology. My boyfriend has average health and an average brain and deeply wants kids who are physically related to us both. I want to adopt, or if we can find a way to afford it, use a donor egg and his sperm. We’re at an impasse about this. How do other people approach this problem? How can we solve it together?
—Wannabe Mama
Dear Wannabe Mama,
The two of you may want to consider going into couples counselling and allowing a third party to help you all navigate this debate. As it stands now, you both want very different things and there’s no real way to compromise; one of you is going to have to have a change of heart if you all are going to have children together. A therapist or counselor can help you all to see one another’s point of view and mediate this important discussion. You should know that this sort of disagreement can lead to a couple breaking up. You have to decide how important your stance is to you and if there’s any room for you to reconsider. Be sure that the two of you are hearing each other out and are taking the time to explore all aspects of this issue. Hopefully, the two of you can find a solution that you both can live with.
—Jamilah
