Dear Lisi: I have made a huge life change and my boyfriend is not supportive. I used to be overweight, unfit, and definitely not healthy. I love to cook, and I love to eat. And I really enjoy my wine.
A few years ago, I went on a hike with some friends and I could barely make it up the hill. I had to sit down and wait for them to turn around. It was absolutely humiliating.
I vowed that day to make some changes and I have. I’ve lost more than 100 pounds by continuing to do what I love in a far healthier fashion. I cook every meal, eat plenty of healthy foods, and exercise. I am a brand-new person and I’m happy!
My boyfriend is not on board. He hates the food I cook, has turned into an even worse couch potato, and I think he’s gained all the weight I’ve lost. I used to think we would get married but now I’m not even sure if I still love him.
He says I’ve sabotaged the relationship, but I think he’s the one doing the sabotaging. Can we meet in the middle or are we done?
Lost and Lean
I don’t think there is a middle here, unfortunately. You have made huge life changes for the better and there is no reason for you to back down, or pull back from where you are. This isn’t about numbers on the scale; it’s about your health.
My guess is that your boyfriend is afraid. Afraid that you might leave him because he’s not getting fit and healthy; afraid that if he tries to change his life, he won’t be successful. It doesn’t sound to me as though you’ve put any pressure on him to change, but clearly, he’s feeling it and pushing back.
You need a serious heart-to-heart. You must impress upon him the reasons why you made the changes, and how you feel. And then together decide if this relationship is worth fighting for, or if you two have grown apart.
FEEDBACK regarding the principal having dinner with a parent (July 10):
Reader – “With respect, I have to quite disagree with the advice you gave Mountain of a molehill.
“The principal’s wife may possibly be insecure, but that is really beside the point. I do not know whether or not you are married, but any dinner my husband may have suggested he have alone with a female colleague would immediately have been ‘red-flagged’ in my mind.
“I mentioned this letter and your response to four different friends, and each one felt just as I did, and that an infinitely better response should have been that this kind of dinner is totally inappropriate on any level.
“We think that both the spouses should have been included from the start. An informal lunch could have been enjoyed by just the two friends, but evening dinners are really out-of-bounds.
“I would rarely respond to any comments, but this one touched a nerve, as I once saw my friend’s husband out with a ‘working companion’ at a nice restaurant many years ago, and I knew straight away that it was leading to trouble. And it did.”
Lisi – Though I appreciate your letter, and of course your readership, you have jumped to conclusions, as have so many others who read this particular question and answer. There is no mention in the original letter as to whether or not the letter writer was male or female. It is stated clearly that the principal is male, and is married to a woman. It is also made clear that the letter writer has a husband. But whether the letter writer is male or female is never mentioned.
FEEDBACK Regarding Moms Behaving Badly (July 18):
Reader – “You advised she tell her son not to discuss anything and that he should forget what he saw because it’s her house, her life, her marriage, her affair.
“Last year I found out that my husband of 37 years had an affair that people knew about. No one told me. When it came to light, it blew our entire family to smithereens.
“I could have dealt with it much better, and protected my children and grandchildren from the damage, had I known beforehand. If someone had just taken a moment to tell me.
“I’m really curious as to why nobody’s thinking of the husband in this situation? Does he not matter?”
Lisi – Of course the husband matters. But the letter writer was asking for advice on how to help her son. It’s not the boy’s place – or his mother’s – to out this woman.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca or lisi@thestar.ca
