ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local black metal artist Aortic Burst was humiliated yesterday when his coworkers listened to, and subsequently legitimately loved, his music, well-meaning sources confirmed.
“It’d be one thing if I worked in, say, a tattoo parlor or maybe a slaughterhouse, you know? Those are the types of fans I’d want for the type of stuff I write. But, shit! I do administrative assistant work and data entry for a certified public accounting firm. These are not the type of people I need throwing up the horns when they pass my cubicle, I want these folks to either fear me or ignore me completely!” cried Aortic Burst (née Harold Lessings) as he finished his lunch break and grimaced at the idea of re-entering the office. “Now I have all these dudes in button-ups and khakis asking me when my next ‘gig’ is, and if they can sit in because they ‘knocked around a little bass-age back in college’ and ‘knows the guy who does Dee Snider’s taxes.’”
Lessings’ officemates at Appletree Business Services seemed to be genuinely supportive of their administrative assistant’s musical endeavors.
“That kid’s got a real future ahead of him, you can quote me. He just needs a cleaner tone, maybe even invest in an acoustic, so we can have him do a little show here at the office holiday party!” said Lessings’ direct superior Kathleen Zander. “We even replaced our regular hold music with Aortic Burst’s new album ‘Sons of the Septic Scythe’, and our clients have really responded well to it. We’ll have to tell Harry how proud we are of him over cake at Linda’s birthday celebration in the breakroom come 4:45!”
Leading authorities on the black metal genre were surprised to find their style of music was so welcomed by workplace culture.
“When I heard that accounting firms across the globe were appreciating a genre I’ve always felt was fairly niche, it took a minute for me to warm up to the idea. But, when you think about it, music is for everybody, even if they’re a corporate drone,” said legendary black metal figure Abbath Doom Occulta, over Zoom. “I’m heavily considering getting Immortal back together to record some corporate jingles, or maybe do a North American tour of human resources seminars. I think the dress code might be a little stifling, but it could be a pretty big moneymaker for us.”
At press time, Lessings returned to find the office had raided the printer toner cartridge for corpse paint.
