— Variety headline, March 21
Please! Fox News isn’t a news network! We’re a lifestyle network! I know what you are thinking: “If Fox News is not a news network, then why do you have ‘news’ right there in the name?” The answer is simple: It is a mistake, but we keep forgetting to remove it.
And now, thanks to lawsuits from not one but two voting system manufacturers, the fiction that maybe we were going to tell you news, if you waited long enough, is evaporating into thin air, and it is time for some hasty rebranding. And it turns out that lurking inside us all along, like a tapeworm, was a Lifestyle Network! We already offer many hours of sponsored programming showing novelty pillows, seats you can put into your bathtub and sunglasses with the properties of copper.
But there’s more! Consider our fall slate of Fox Lifestyle programming:
Follow Alexandra Petri‘s opinions
Follow“The Next Mrs. Murdoch”: Think “Succession” meets “The Bachelor.” Rupert Murdoch is still in the market for a bride! Are you there for the Right reasons or the alt-Right reasons?
“Go(o)p”: It’s many of the same supplements, but a very different presentation!
“Straight Eye”: A group of unpleasant heterosexual men come to your home for days and insult your furniture, attire, grooming, cooking and personality without offering any constructive suggestions for improving them. At the end of the week, you are left with nothing but a six-in-one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-dish soap-furniture cleaner-dip that smells like paint thinner, and one of your chairs is dented that wasn’t before.
“Cooking With Gas”: You have never seen so much gas used to boil an egg! Our kitchen is not vented, because we are patriots who would never dream of not inhaling the maximum amount of gas possible. If this is a hit, we will follow it up with “Cooking With Oil,” a normal cooking show that somehow burns enormous amounts of petroleum.
“Love It or List It”: A throw-back show from the 1950s where Joseph McCarthy reviews employees of the State Department and decides if he loves them or wants to list them.
“Diners, Diners and Diners”: We don’t eat the food, we just ask the people there to wax lyrical about how much they miss Donald Trump and the Old Days. Co-produced by a new major news outlet each week!
“MyPillow”: Replace all the pillows in your home with less comfortable pillows made by a man with a mustache! Not just the pillows you sleep on! Every pillow! EIGHTEEN HOURS OF MY PILLOW PROGRAMMING! Some of it is rants about the election, but that’s okay, it’s paid!
“Selling Sunset”: The chair on which George Washington sat during the Constitutional Convention famously had a sun on it. Was it a rising sun, or a setting sun? We believe it was the latter, and we are here to fill you with a sense of doom for your democracy. Also, we are blond.
“Real Housewives of the United States”: Weirdly, this is just reruns of “The Handmaid’s Tale.”
“Outnumbered, Outgunned”: Outnumbered! But everyone has a gun and holds it for the entirety of the program.
“Project Runway”: Contestants from the fashion design world are told that they must spend the next month donating their labor to build jet runways by hand, as a gesture of support for the troops and the wonderful Defense Department contractors who make this country great!
“Tidying Up With Maria Bartiromo”: Inspired by the Marie Kondo classic, Maria Bartiromo applies the Kondo method to ballots in a variety of swing states. Watch as she discards each one that does not spark joy! (Dominion Voting Systems describes it as “not how our voting systems work at all. We are suing again.”)
“Rick, Steve’s Europe”: Two guys named Rick and Steve explain for an hour why you would never want to go to Europe, which is full of riots and socialism.
“Joe Biden’s Antiques Roadshow”: The show is nearly identical to “Antiques Roadshow,” but the age of each item is now described in relation to the age of President Biden. “This clown from 1943, a year after Joe Biden was born, is worth up to $10,000 at auction!”
“GQAnon”: This is our lifestyle magazine! We would have included information about how QAnon is not based in fact but it would have made our viewers too mad, so we didn’t! That’s the kind of integrity you can expect from Fox Lifestyle!
